Why the “Mean” People in Relationships Are Actually the Kindest by Lila Lurie, MA, LAC, NCC

Bergen County Moms
15 hours ago
7 min read

Man and woman on a sofa in a modern living room. She gestures dismissively, while he speaks animatedly. Brick wall background, casual clothes.

Let’s talk about something that might feel a little uncomfortable: being direct. I can’t tell you how many people I have helped who are simply confused at the end of a relationship. I often hear things from my clients like, “Everything was good and then the other person needed space.” Or, “My person keeps saying everything is fine, but they seem a million miles away.”

It’s easy to see how this happens in relationships. People are often labeled as “harsh,” “mean,” or “confrontational” when they ask the hard questions and bring up the stuff no one wants to talk about. But here’s the truth: Direct people are some of the kindest people you’ll meet in relationships. Unclear is actually unkind.

The “Nice” Trap: Why Sugar-Coating Isn’t So Sweet

Many people think they’re kind by avoiding conflict and not sharing their true feelings. They hold back. They edit themselves. They say they’re “fine” when they’re actually anything but fine. All in the name of being “nice.”

But here’s my concern with this behavior: what is left unsaid in the moment often ends up being pretty cruel in the long run. Avoiding the truth confuses people. It delays grieving, processing, or growing. And most importantly, it withholds clarity that could help someone make an informed decision about their own life. That’s not kindness. That’s fear dressed up as politeness.

I often note with clients that, “A partner’s avoidance isn’t always about protecting you—it may reflect their own fears, emotional limits, or capacity for connection.” If someone is showing you that they cannot live up to your expectations, it is important to accept what they are showing you with their actions. That acceptance allows you to invest in someone who is willing to take the time and effort to build a real and meaningful relationship with you.

Directness Brings Clarity

There’s a big difference between being blunt to wound and being honest to connect. I believe healthy directness comes from a place of respect, not aggression. It’s a form of emotional generosity: “I care enough about you, and this relationship, to tell the truth—even if it’s hard.”

Healthy people who are open to confronting relationship challenges don’t want you guessing what they’re thinking or wondering where you stand. People with stronger relationship skills want to bring things into the open where real understanding and healing can take place. Setting clear boundaries and expectations is a healthy sign that you understand your own value. This kind of communication often comes from secure attachment, where people will only choose relationships that feel safe and respectful to their nervous system.

According to research from the National Institute of Mental Health, healthy communication patterns are essential for maintaining positive mental health outcomes in relationships. Many clients I work with didn’t grow up seeing this kind of direct, healthy communication—but the good news is, it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced. Communication skills can be worked on either individually through individual therapy or together with your partner through couples counseling. Others who struggle with either avoidant or anxious attachment styles can often benefit from individualized, evidence-based psychotherapy.

What Does Healthy Directness Look Like?

To be clear, healthy directness isn’t about dumping your unfiltered thoughts on others or calling names. Instead, it might look like:

Identifying how you feel in the relationship and whether your relational needs are being met
Speaking from your own experience (“I feel…”) instead of accusing (“You always…”)
Striving for a blend of honesty and directness with compassion
Listening as much as you speak with the intent to understand the other person’s feelings and experience, even if you don’t agree
Respecting boundaries—yours and theirs
Holding space for discomfort without trying to rush past it

Research has shown that “clarity, active listening, empathy, and feedback are critical components in effective communication. Participants who engaged in these practices reported improved trust, reduced conflicts, and enhanced collaborative outcomes. Additionally, the results suggest that communication training significantly enhances these skills, leading to better relational and organizational performance.” (Soid & Fatih, et al., 2025)

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) emphasizes that open communication is a cornerstone of healthy relationships and overall mental wellness. Based on this research, working on these communication skills in the therapeutic setting will have lasting benefits with not only your romantic partners but the other important people in your life as well.

Directness Isn’t Mean—It’s What Healthy Relationships Need

In relationships, silence can be far more damaging than honesty. Imagine someone not telling you why they’re pulling away or hiding resentment behind forced smiles. That emotional fog leads to self-doubt, miscommunication, and a lot of wasted time trying to “figure it out.”

At its core, directness is about being emotionally available and responsible. It takes courage. It takes vulnerability. And yes, it takes practice. Many people benefit from learning these skills through Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Emotionally Focused Therapy, both of which are evidence-based approaches offered at The Lukin Center.

So the next time someone is brave enough to be direct with you, don’t necessarily write them off as “too much.” Consider this: they might be showing up in one of the kindest ways possible. As I often say to my clients, “Kindness isn’t avoiding the hard stuff—it’s showing up with honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable.”

Frequently Asked Questions About Direct Communication in Relationships

What does it mean to be direct in a relationship?

Being direct in a relationship means communicating your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and honestly while maintaining respect for your partner. It involves speaking from your own experience using “I” statements, setting clear boundaries, and addressing issues as they arise rather than avoiding difficult conversations. Direct communication is about emotional transparency and taking responsibility for your feelings, which creates clarity and trust in relationships.

How can therapy improve communication skills?

Therapy provides a safe, structured environment to develop and practice healthy communication skills. A trained therapist can help you identify communication patterns that aren’t serving you, understand how your attachment style affects your relationships, and learn evidence-based techniques for expressing yourself clearly and compassionately. Through individual therapy or couples counseling, you can work on active listening, setting boundaries, managing conflict constructively, and expressing difficult emotions in productive ways. Many clients find that the communication skills learned in therapy improve not just romantic relationships but all interpersonal connections.

Is being direct the same as being rude?

No. Healthy directness comes from a place of respect and care, not aggression. Being direct means being honest and clear while still being compassionate and considering the other person’s feelings. Rudeness involves disrespect, insensitivity, or intentionally hurtful language. Direct communication seeks to build understanding and connection, while rude communication aims to wound or dismiss.

What if I struggle with confrontation in relationships?

Many people find confrontation difficult, often because they didn’t see healthy conflict modeled growing up or have experienced negative consequences from speaking up in past relationships. This is extremely common and very treatable through therapy. Working with a mental health professional can help you understand the root of your avoidance, develop confidence in expressing your needs, and practice direct communication in a supportive setting before applying these skills in your relationships.

Getting Help With Communication and Relationship Issues

If you’re on the journey to becoming more open with your feelings and emotions, keep going. Whether you’re learning to speak up, set boundaries, or process what others have (or haven’t) said to you, therapy is a place to bring it all.

At The Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, Northern New Jersey’s largest mental health practice, we help individuals and couples build relationships that feel clear, safe, and connected. Our team of highly trained clinicians offers specialized services across seven convenient locations in Chatham, Englewood, Hoboken, Jersey City, Montclair, Ridgewood, and Westfield, as well as through secure teletherapy services.

Whether you’re working through anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, or life transition issues, our evidence-based approaches can help you develop the communication skills and emotional clarity you need to thrive.

You don’t have to figure it out alone—we’re here when you’re ready. Contact us today to schedule your first appointment.

Smiling woman in a bright pink blazer and necklace, against a plain white background. — **Lila Lurie, MA, LAC, NCC | Lukin Center**

Lila Lurie, MA, LAC, NCC is a Psychotherapist at Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, specializing in adults and couples navigating life transitions, anxiety, depression, grief, social isolation, and relationship challenges. Therapy with Lila honors the ways culture, religion, gender, and family systems shape each person’s experience. Sessions offer a warm, supportive space that encourages emotional safety and personal accountability, helping clients gain insight and make meaningful changes. Lila’s approach to couples counseling is emotionally focused and helps partners work through challenges such as trust, disconnection, recurring conflict, and physical intimacy. With compassion and a focus on challenging broken patterns, Lila’s deep understanding of relational dynamics guides couples toward more fulfilling relationships built on mutual respect, better communication and connection.

In addition, Lila is passionate about supporting parents who feel overwhelmed or stuck in their parenting journey. Lila utilizes developmentally based approaches to identify coping skills and opportunities to strengthen the parent-child bond, all while encouraging sustainable self-care along the way.

By helping people prioritize their needs, strengthen communication, and set healthy boundaries, Lila provides compassionate, clinically informed support that empowers clients to feel more connected and fulfilled. Lila earned her Master’s in Counseling from Northwestern University, completed her Bachelors at Rutgers University, and is a Nationally Board Certified Counselor.