Why Do We Keep Having the Same Fight? Understanding Negative Cycles in Relationships by Alexa Gelfand, LCSW

5 hours ago

5 min read

Man comforts sad woman on a gray couch in a bright living room, holding her shoulder as she stares ahead.

Many couples come into therapy exhausted by recurring relationship arguments, asking, “Why do we keep having the same fight over and over?” The answer usually lies beneath the surface of the argument itself.

Maybe it starts with something small—your partner doesn’t text back, disagreements about money crop up, someone feels unappreciated, or one of you wants more connection. Before long, you’re both frustrated, defensive, and feeling misunderstood; and somehow you’ve ended up having the exact same argument you’ve had countless times before.

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and attachment perspective, these recurring conflicts are often part of what we call a negative cycle.

What Is a Negative Cycle in Relationships?

A negative cycle is a pattern that develops between partners where each person’s reaction triggers the other’s.

For example, one partner may feel disconnected and respond by pursuing:

“Why won’t you talk to me? You never listen.”

Meanwhile, the other partner feels criticized and pressured, and withdraws:

“I can’t do this right now.”

The first partner experiences that withdrawal as rejection and pushes harder. The second partner feels even more overwhelmed and pulls away further. And the cycle continues.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy, this common relational dance is known as the pursuer withdrawer cycle.

Eventually, couples may start seeing each other as the problem: “She’s too demanding,” or “He’s emotionally unavailable.” However, EFT invites couples to look at something different:

What is happening between us? What is underneath the fight?

What is underneath the fight? Attachment Fears and Vulnerability

Usually, the argument isn’t really about the dishes, the text message, or who forgot what. Underneath the surface anger and frustration are deeper attachment and relationship needs:

“Can I count on you?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you really there for me?”
“Will you still be here when things get difficult?”

We don’t always express these vulnerable feelings directly. Instead, we protect ourselves through secondary reactions like criticism, defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal.

Understanding what sits underneath these reactions does not excuse hurtful behavior. Instead, it helps couples understand why the same pattern keeps happening and reveals exactly where they can begin to interrupt it.

How to Break the Cycle of Fighting and Reconnect

The goal of evidence-based couples therapy isn't to eliminate conflict entirely, but to recognize the pattern before it takes over and build new ways of responding and relating to one another.

To break the cycle of fighting, couples must learn to spot their triggers before automatic defenses escalate the conversation.

Learning to interrupt the cycle involves practicing several core shifts:

Notice when your negative cycle is starting: Catch the pattern early before automatic defenses escalate the conversation.
Slow down before reacting: Take a deliberate pause to calm your nervous system rather than firing off an immediate reply.
Express the vulnerable feeling underneath: Name the primary emotion (fear, sadness, loneliness) hiding beneath anger or criticism.
Ask directly for reassurance or connection: State your need clearly rather than expecting your partner to mind-read.
Respond to your partner's underlying needs: Listen for the attachment longing behind their words rather than reacting solely to their defensive tone.
Repair and reconnect after conflict: Actively reach out to restore safety once emotional intensity has leveled off.

Instead of saying, “You always shut me out,” a partner might learn to express:

“When we fight, I start to feel alone and I get scared that we're losing our connection. I need to know that we're okay.”

Sharing the vulnerable feeling underneath defensiveness disarms the conflict and creates an opportunity for connection. To see how these relational patterns are systematically restructured in clinical care, you can also explore the structured stages of EFT therapy.

The Cycle is the Problem - Not Either Partner

When couples have been stuck in the same pattern for years, it can be easy to believe that you are simply incompatible or that your partner is the problem. But your negative cycle is something that happens between you.

Because it is an interactive pattern, it can change.

Because conflict cycles in relationships are learned interactive patterns, they can be changed.

One of the most important shifts in relationship therapy isn't figuring out who is right—it's learning to recognize when you and your partner are caught in your cycle again. Once you can see the cycle clearly, you can team up against it and begin to build a relationship where both partners feel understood, secure, and connected.

Considering Couples Therapy? How Lukin Center Can Help

At Lukin Center, our clinicians specialize in evidence-based couples counseling, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and relationship therapy designed to help partners untangle recurring conflict patterns. As a licensed psychotherapist at Lukin Center, Alexa Gelfand, LCSW, works closely with couples and individuals to unpack relational distress, heal attachment wounds, and foster lasting emotional security.

If you and your partner find yourselves repeating the same exhausting arguments, professional support can help you slow down, understand the cycle, and rebuild your connection.

Work with Alexa Gelfand (Author): Learn more about Alexa's clinical approach and background.
Schedule an Appointment: Reach out to connect with Alexa or another relationship specialist on our team:
- Text: (201) 409-0393
- Call: (201) 409-0393
- Email: info@lukincenter.com
Explore Our Practice: Visit our Couples Counseling page or Meet the Clinicians to find the right therapeutic fit.

With physical offices in Ridgewood, Hoboken, Montclair, Jersey City, Westfield, Chatham, Englewood, and telehealth across New Jersey, Lukin Center is here to support your relationship.

Alexa Gelfand is a licensed psychotherapist at Lukin Center for Psychotherapy, specializing in working with adults, couples, and adolescents navigating trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), grief and loss, relationship challenges, anxiety, and major life transitions. She has a particular interest in helping clients understand the patterns and experiences that shape their relationships and develop healthier, more fulfilling ways of connecting with themselves and others. Alexa takes a collaborative and trauma-informed approach to therapy, offering a safe and grounded space where clients feel welcomed and supported in bringing all parts of themselves into the therapeutic process. Her work is grounded in psychodynamic and attachment-based principles, with an emphasis on understanding how past experiences and relationships can shape present-day thoughts, emotions, and patterns. She works at each client’s pace to help them process difficult experiences, build emotional safety, and reconnect with their sense of self. Alexa also incorporates somatic practices and grounding techniques to support nervous system regulation and greater self-awareness, tailoring her approach to each client’s unique needs and goals. With experience working with adolescents, adults, and couples, Alexa has specialized training in couples therapy and trauma-informed treatment. She takes an attachment-focused, integrative approach to help clients navigate trauma, grief and loss, relational difficulties, anxiety, and significant life transitions. Alexa has completed the Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) externship for couples therapy and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapy clinician; bringing specialized training in evidence-based relational approaches to her work with couples. Alexa utilizes psychodynamic, somatic, and mindfulness-based approaches in her work. She has also completed EMDRIA-approved training in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy and incorporates EMDR into her trauma-focused work. Alexa is currently undergoing training in Internal Family Systems (IFS), which further informs her work with clients in developing greater self-understanding, self-compassion, and awareness of protective patterns. Alexa holds a Master of Social Work from Rutgers University School of Social Work and a Bachelor’s degree in Strategic Communication and Sociology from Rutgers University, New Brunswick. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in New Jersey and offers both in-person and virtual therapy.