All the Feelings, None of the Skills: Why Your Teen Has Out-of-Control Emotions by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach

"Our kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills."

When I first heard that phrase, it felt right and true.

From their first breath, children are wired with the full range of human emotion: joy, sadness, anger, frustration, excitement, fear. What they aren't born with are the tools to manage those big emotions.

That's where we parents come in—not to control their feelings, but to teach the skills they need to handle them.

Think about your toddler having a meltdown because they broke a toy. Or teens slamming doors because you asked them to do their homework. These are just different stages of the same issue: intense emotions without a developed ability to regulate them.

According to research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, self-regulation is not something children are born with; it develops over time through warm, responsive relationships and guided practice. ("Building the Core Skills for Life," 2017.)

As parents, our first instinct is often to correct the behavior: "Stop crying," "Don't be so dramatic," "Get over it." But the better move is to address the missing skill, not just the behavior. Instead of reacting with frustration, we can slow down and think, "They’re missing a skill, not deliberately giving me a hard time."

Here are a few examples of how to respond differently:

When a teen is overwhelmed with schoolwork and lashes out, instead of lecturing, you might say, "It sounds like you're feeling really stressed. Let's talk about how to break this down into smaller pieces."

When a younger teen snaps at you after a tough day, instead of taking it personally, you could respond, "I can see you’re upset. Let's take a minute to cool down and come back to this."

The goal is to model and teach self-regulation strategies, like:

·      Naming the emotion ("I'm feeling frustrated")

·      Pausing before reacting

·      Using coping tools (breathing, movement, talking it out)

·      Problem-solving ("What can I do about this?")

Research backs up the importance of this approach. Studies show that emotion coaching—where parents recognize, label, and validate children's emotions—helps kids develop better emotional regulation, leading to stronger mental health outcomes later on.

Our kids don't need us to fix their feelings. They need us to guide them in understanding and managing them. They may have been born with all the feelings — and with your support, they’ll grow into all the skills.

If you can crack the code and master the skill, you'll be amazed at the progress your child can make. Let's do this together. I'm happy to gift you with a 30-minute, free Parent Support Call.

What are you waiting for?   Click HERE.

Fern Weis | Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.