You’ve been crystal clear, but your teen just isn’t buying it. How do you get through to them?

There’s a difference between talking to them (a lot of the time it’s talking at them) and truly communicating. Bear with me here.

You were never taught to consider how your message would be received. That’s not how most of our parents dealt with us.

I remember the attitude being more like ‘do it, or else’. And I never wanted to find out what the ‘or else’ was.

Here are common ways parents talk to their kids:

• Giving Orders - This rarely works, and even when it does, it widens the connection and trust gaps between the two of you. The power struggle is real.

• Presenting a Variety of Options - That means your teen has to make a decision or choose nothing at all. Too many choices can fluster and confuse them. Which is the best one? the right one? What if I choose the wrong one? It also means they don’t have to think for themselves. Why bother, if Mom and Dad do the thinking for them?

• Begging and Pleading - Oh my, the crumbs we accept when we’re desperate for some cooperation and understanding.

• Martyrdom - “I do so much for you, and you don’t appreciate anything.” Not a great way to make friends and influence people.

The bottom line is that you're speaking, but not communicating effectively. Your child is not receptive; they may react negatively or become withdrawn.

Whatever your goal was, it’s gone now. Before you try to get your teen’s cooperation or understanding, consider the questions below.

Reflection: 

How would I respond if someone approached me this way?  What is my motivation going into this conversation?  Do I need to be right?

How many times did I moan, "If I only had the words"? My specialty is communication and scripting. For a taste of better words and an improved relationship, click here to schedule your complimentary Parent Support Call with me.

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.