I Was the Queen of Threats... But Awful at Boundaries by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Wondering why your boundaries aren’t working? You may be confused about what a boundary actually is. It’s definitely not a threat. And there’s the problem.

I was the queen of threats. Look at these examples from my earlier parenting years:

• Hang up those wet towels or you’ll find them in your bed.

• Shape up, or it’s military school for you!

• Don’t make me tell you one more time. (As if they actually ‘made’ us do it.)

Does any of this sound familiar? It’s the ‘if-then’ scenario.

If they do or don’t do X, there’s a punishment coming.

It’s always about them.

And is there any follow-through? Usually not.

A boundary is the opposite of a threat.

A boundary says:

• This is about me.

• I’m okay with X, but not with Y.

• I can tolerate this, but not that.

• I matter.

• Here is my line in the sand.

• This is not a punishment.

• It’s up to me to protect myself and my needs.

Do you feel the difference? I woke up when I learned this.

Before, all I had were threats.

Before, avoiding conflict prevented me from following through.

Before, I believed I had no voice and no choices.

Before, I had a passive, victim mentality. They were doing this to me.

Why should my kids have taken me seriously? They knew these were empty threats.

Before blurting out a threat, stop and think.

Why is this so important to me?

Who and what is it really about?

Is it really about chores? Control?

Am I feeling overworked and taken advantage of? or both?

When you address an issue with anger, impatience and punishment in mind, think again.

Examine what your kids are learning from this approach, and how they will take it into their relationships and parenting.

Once I knew better, I also knew that I didn’t want this to be my parenting legacy. Fixing this can positively influence future generations (if I’m lucky enough to have grandchildren one day. Hint, hint.)

What’s it going to be?

P.S. For support with boundaries and more, schedule a complimentary 30-minute call with me here. I’ve been there. I get it. I know better now, and am committed to helping avoid these mistakes.  

Fern Weis | Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.