In its simplest terms, a divorce is 2 people giving themselves the permission and the freedom to embrace change. It’s emotional, it’s messy, it’s an ending…but it is also a beginning. We live our lives in multiple chapters that unfold for us as our own unique story. One bad chapter does not end the story or define it.
How do you want to rewrite your script?
We naturally cling to the familiar; after all, it is what we know. Some of us never question whether good is good enough. We just keep circling around through the revolving doors in our lives until we become stuck and the door no longer spins. If a relationship has come to an end and there is no hope for reconciliation, the revolving door just is not going to turn any longer. In order to move from “we” to “me” we need to step away from the door.
Stepping is a verb used in the English language to indicate a movement or an action. In order for change to take place, there has to be action.
1. Pause: Stop, catch your breath, and reflect. Remember that divorce does not define your worth or indicate failure. It is however a loss. A loss of a love, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a friendship, a loss of the traditional family unit. Take time to grieve, to think, to regroup and to remember. You will bounce back at your own pace, but take this time out in order to think. Practice self-compassion. Assemble your support system. What small, actionable steps can you take now to begin to rebuild?
2. Release: Letting go of blame and judgment is like lifting the world off of your shoulders. The dead weight of a relationship gone wrong zaps your energy and your time if you are holding onto the negativity and anger often associated with a split. Letting go promotes clarity and focus so that you can evaluate your options and effectively manage your choices. Releasing allows you to respond versus react to your situation. Decide if you want to be angry or feel like a victim, or if you would prefer to rationalize and free yourself of that which no longer works for you.
What’s holding you back? It may just be the “F” word. No not that one! Fear!
Fear of the unknown, Fear of change, Fear of not being good enough, Fear of Failure…
When we fuel them, our fears have power. In reality, fear is no more than False Evidence Appearing Real. Seeped in limiting beliefs and interpretations that may or may not be true, our fears can stop us just short of taking those steps ahead toward what we most want in life.
In order to overcome our fears, we need to first become aware of them, and next allow ourselves to be a little uncomfortable so that we can begin the process of pushing past them. Letting go and releasing the negative is a small step leading to higher emotional intelligence and endless possibilities because we use less emotion and more rational thinking.
3. Meet The World Where It Is Now: You are not the same person that you were when you first married, nor is your spouse. More than likely, one or both of you has evolved and changed. What may have been important to you years ago may have shifted dramatically. As humans, we often have selective hearing and replay history when communicating. Meeting the world where it is now refocuses our thoughts and communications into the present so that we are connecting to the conversation or events at hand. In so doing, we do not recycle history based on how our significant other may have responded in the past or even how we predict they will, or won’t respond in the future. Instead, we meet them for who they are today.
When we reconnect to the conversation or situation at hand, we think with our heads and our hearts rather than just from an emotional point of view. We don’t dwell in the past and we don’t project the future. We let life play out.
We cannot control anything in life except ourselves. Meeting the world where it is now acts as a compass for redefining our possibilities rather than our problems. When we let go of trying to control situations, we gain the power and freedom to embrace our next steps.
4. Press the Reset Button: Redirecting your energy from “we” to “me” reintroduces YOU to YOU! This self-discovery is at the core of charting your new course. In order to push ahead, evaluate your values, your passions, your hobbies and your friendships. Many of the things that appeal most to you may have been lying dormant in your marriage. What did you love to do before you were married? What can you most want to do now?
Schedule time with you and for you. Exercise, nutrition, and a support system of friends all reinforce your evolution and growth. Your heart beats approximately 100,000 times per day. Make sure that it is beating FIRST for the love you show yourself.
Lower the volume on what others are telling you to do so that you can hear your own voice. Working with a certified life coach can help you to redesign your goals as you transition from married to single and reinvent a refreshed and refocused “you” post divorce.
Follow your instincts. Be vulnerable. Be imperfect. Explore. Embrace this next chapter of your story. Reconnect you to you and step out of that revolving door and into your life. Reinvent, Refresh, ReYOU!
~ Randi Levin, Certified Transitional Coach, mentor, writer and inspirational speaker, partners with her clients to define and navigate the many “acts or chapters” of their lives. She is a subject matter expert in the art of reinvention and it is her joy to unleash her client’s unlimited potential and to tap into what she calls, “the evolving business of you.” Contact RandiCLevin@gmail.com or 347-395-6255.