Codependent and Not Ashamed by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach

I'd had a bad morning. Things were happening around me and I knew I had to keep my distance. This is really hard when I’m overwhelmed by all the things that can possibly go wrong in the aftermath. 

I didn’t call anyone, didn’t stick my nose into the problem between other family members. Instead, I went into distress.

As I’ve heard it said, my mind is a dangerous neighborhood and I should never go there alone. Duly noted.

So I listened to an interview with Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go. I need to hear these things, over and over again. 

While there were no answers, per se, listening calmed me down. It quieted the story rolling around in my head, the one that keeps me agitated and scared. 

(But the story isn’t real. It might happen, and just as easily, it may never come to pass. It’s pointless worrying and a long-standing habit of mind.)

There’s a lot of stigma attached to the word ‘codependent’, Beattie says. It has become a pejorative, and demeaning. 

In my coaching program, there’s a part that looks at codependency. It really bothered one of my clients. 

Even after explaining that it was just a concept to look at and that it doesn’t apply to everyone, she couldn’t let it go. There is definitely stigma and shame attached to this idea.

I admit it: I am codependent, have been for a long time. Now you know.

Here’s what Melody Beattie has to say about codependency:

“Who or what is a codependent? Anyone who gets lost in someone else’s problems. Anyone who loves so much and so hard that all they can think about is what’s going wrong with the person they love; what the person they love is feeling, doing, thinking.

“(We) codependents never learned to or have forgotten how to take care of ourselves.

“We can have all the best intentions and goals, but when the challenges come, it’s very easy to lose touch with ourselves."

Is one ever cured of codependency? I don’t believe we are ever ‘cured’ of our feelings. 

What I can do is recognize when my mind and body are going into that state and choose something else. I. Have. Choices.

I can call up resources and support:  a trusted friend, inspiring readings, calming music and guided meditations, videos and audios of people who speak my language and speak to my heart.

There’s no shame in being codependent. It’s just a word used to describe behaviors and a state of mind, like Type A or distractible. Giving it a name brings awareness, and hopefully the courage to change and be our best selves. 

I don’t have to like the word, and it doesn’t have to define all of me. Codependent? Yes. Human? Very.

Fern Weis | Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.