Almost every parent goes through a bumpy time with their child. When you're going through a rough patch, do you find yourself expecting the worst from your kids? Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? Do you lower your expectations for them?

The problem is that lowering the bar leads to lower self-esteem.

It's so easy to fall into the trap of negativity and disappointment. I've been there and it's not pretty at all. During his teen years, our son made some poor decisions, and it seemed like the downward spiral would never end. I came to expect difficulties and wasn't surprised when they happened. (FYI, there is a happy ending to the story.)

I couldn't control my son's choices and behaviors. I was so worried about him and his future that I went right into the pit with him... and one thing an out-of-control teen doesn't need is an out-of-control parent. I didn't need to be so miserable and so consumed by what was happening. It didn't do either of us any good.

By now, most of you have heard the expression, "Your thoughts create your reality." Your life doesn't have to stop when your child is on that roller coaster. Your negative thoughts drag you down, and they send your child a message that you don't expect him to be able to accomplish much of anything.

And when you don't expect much, that's exactly what you get -- not much! Your teen's self-esteem will plummet. You see, they value your opinion of them more than they will ever admit.

Your kids sense what's going on. They may not be able to put it into words, but they know what you are feeling. You are communicating with more than words: it's your facial expressions, body language, what you say, and what you don't say. They know when you have lost confidence in them.

This happened with my son. He told me that when I lowered the bar, the message he heard was, "You can't do it." His already low self-esteem took a big hit. After all, if your mom doesn’t believe in you, why should you believe in yourself?

Children internalize this message and start to expect less from themselves. Then they become less willing and able to handle things on their own, or to consider doing something without the guarantee of success.

You have it within you to inspire your child to do more and be more. How can you help them raise their own self-esteem?

1. Tell them you are confident they will find a way to handle the situation they are in. They may react negatively, because at first, they have no idea what to do; however, your vote of confidence will feel encouraging.

2. Ask, in a neutral, yet curious tone of voice, "What can you do about this?" The idea is to get your child to think on their own. You won't always be around to fix things for them, so they must develop problem-solving skills of their own.

3. Offer to be available to help (not to do it for them). The way out isn't by taking care of it for them. The way out is learning to think and knowing when to ask for help.

Becoming an independent, capable adult is what every parent wants for their child. Expect their best, encourage their best, and they will produce more of their best. And they will be prepared to handle life and thrive, whatever challenges come their way.

Get a jumpstart on bringing out their best on my podcast, Back to Basics for Parenting Teens. Start with “Letting Go: The Real Story.”

CLICK HERE to Listen

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.