Kids Aren’t Looking for a Friend — They’re Craving Someone to Lead Them by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach
A friend told me about a family gathering where her three-year-old grandson seemed completely out of control. He ran from room to room, climbed on furniture, interrupted conversations, and ignored requests to stop.
NOTE: Asking a toddler to stop is the definition of insanity. The neural programming hasn’t been installed yet.
Everyone had an opinion.
"He just has lots of energy."
"He'll grow out of it."
"Someone needs to control this child.”
Finally, his grandfather quietly walked over, knelt down, made eye contact, and said in a calm and firm voice, "You're welcome to play, but you're not welcome to climb on the furniture. Come with me."
No yelling. No threats. No negotiation.
His grandson looked at him for a moment... and followed.
he room became peaceful again.
Children push against boundaries, but that doesn't mean they want life without them. It’s just the opposite.
Kids crave adult leadership.
Not control.
Not domination.
Leadership.
Leadership creates safety. It answers the unspoken questions children are constantly asking:
"Who's in charge?"
"Can I trust you to handle this?"
"Will you be steady and predictable, even when I'm not?"
When parents become afraid to disappoint, to say no, to be in conflict — children are left carrying responsibilities they were never meant to carry. The children become the decision-makers, the negotiators, the emotional barometers of the family.
That's a heavy burden for young shoulders. One they do not yet have the capacity to shoulder.
I've seen the same principle while raising dogs. Without calm, confident leadership, many become anxious, reactive, or constantly test the limits. Once they know someone trustworthy is leading, they can relax.
People aren't dogs, of course, but healthy relationships have something important in common: they thrive when someone is willing to lead with consistency, confidence, and care.
That's why there's an early chapter in Leashes, Lessons, and Love called "Someone Needs to Be the Alpha Dog — and It Better Be You."
The title isn't about dominance. It's about leadership.
Every family needs someone who can stay calm when emotions run high, make decisions that aren't popular, and lovingly hold the boundaries children depend on.
Let me say that again - to hold the boundaries children depend on.
Your children don't need a perfect parent.
They don't need a best friend.
They need someone who's willing to lead.
They borrow our regulation until they develop their own.
Your leadership is your greatest gift to them.
P.S. While writing Leashes, Lessons, and Love, it became crystal clear it wasn’t about dogs or children.
It was about leadership and relationships. And about becoming the parent our children can trust to lead with love and consistency.
If that sounds like a message you need right now, I think you’ll enjoy the book. Order HERE. https://fernweisbook.com/book
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.
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