If the Shoe Fits: Four Ways to Handle Difficult Feedback by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach

You’ve heard the phrase, “If the shoe fits, wear it.” At Hyde School, they add a twist: “If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, throw it away.” In other words, when someone gives you feedback—especially something uncomfortable—how do you respond?

There are two common, unhealthy ways people handle criticism. I know which category I used to fall into. Can you see yourself in one of them?

1. The Aggressive Responder:

You reject criticism immediately. You take it personally, get defensive, and maybe even go on the attack. “I didn’t say or do what you’re accusing me of—and you’ve done it, too!” This kind of reaction shuts down reflection and destroys communication. It goes nowhere good.

2. The Passive Responder:

You accept every comment and judgment as truth. If there’s even a kernel of accuracy, you feel guilty and not good enough. You overanalyze and avoid confrontation, allowing self-doubt to take over. Relationships suffer here, too.

Both types come from a fragile ego. Whether you lash out or shrink back, the result is the same: resentment, hurt relationships, and eroded self-esteem.

I used to be solidly in Type 2. Slowly and intentionally, I’ve been learning not to internalize everything, not to define myself by what others say. It’s life-changing work.

So what can you do instead?

Here are four ways to replace flawed, “stinkin’ thinkin’” with thoughtful responses:

• “Thanks for sharing. I’ll think about what you said.” This simple response interrupts the cycle of reaction. Take a breath, reflect. If it’s true, consider change. If not, release it.

• “I’m not responsible for someone else’s thoughts and feelings. You’re not in charge of another person’s inner world. Don’t take on their anger or judgments as your own burden.

• “If it’s true, it’s just one part of me—not all of me.”

You are more than one comment or flaw. Don't let criticism become your identity.

• “What can I learn from this? Whether the feedback is valid or not, there’s always something to take away. Insight leads to growth, and letting go leads to peace.

One more important piece: I’m open to hearing anything about me—as long as it’s said with concern and love. Angry accusations? That shuts me down. 

So when it’s your turn to speak a hard truth, check your tone. Be helpful, not hurtful. Teach, don’t preach.

So… who’s up for some honest give-and-take today?

Ready to bust through attitudes and reactivity? Yours and theirs?  Let's talk. Click here to schedule your free 30-minute Parent Support Call.

Fern Weis | Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.