If I Need to Be Right, Then You Have to Be Wrong: How This Mindset Damages Your Relationship with Your Teen by Fern Weis, Parent + Family Recovery Coach

There’s this little thing called the ego. Not so little, really. The ego says, “I’m important. Pay attention to me. I know more than you. I am right. I must be right—or else who am I?”

The problem with needing to be right is that it automatically means someone else has to be wrong. And in parent-child relationships, that often means your teen. Remember, there can’t be two winners when one has to come out on top.

You know what that feels like in any close relationship—rejection, anger, resentment. None of these paves the way for love and trust, which are at the heart of healthy connection.

Now imagine how this dynamic plays out with your teen. Needing to be right often leads to resistance, defiance, and distance—exactly the opposite of what you want. So why do we fall into this trap?

Often, when you try to ‘guide’ (read ‘convince’) your child toward a better decision or mindset, you’re acting from love… or so it seems. More likely, it’s fear in disguise.

Here’s what may really be going on for you:

• You have tons of life experience. They don’t—yet.

• You’ve learned to make thoughtful, informed decisions. They act on impulse.

• You can see the consequences of their actions. They think they’re invincible.

• You do know better—and want to protect them.

• Meanwhile, they believe you know nothing and they know everything.

Wouldn’t it be great if they said, “Mom, Dad, you’re absolutely right”? (And would you fall over if they did?)

Sometimes you are right… and it still doesn’t matter. To nurture the relationship where your child turns to you for guidance and reassurance, they need to feel safe. If they don’t feel safe—free from judgment, criticism, or fixing—they won’t open up. Even when they act tough, teens are still seeking your love, approval, and presence.

So, the next time you feel that urge to come out on top, take the pause. Be present and thoughtful.Remember that an argument is when something else becomes more important than the relationship and the child in front of you.

Ask yourself: What’s more important right now—winning this point or keeping the door open between us?

Your child needs to make mistakes. As hard as that is to witness, those stumbles are the building blocks of competence, confidence, and compassion.

What can you do instead?

• Agree to disagree.

• Step back and reflect.

• Ask what your teen really needs: a sounding board, a hug, advice, or space.

• Offer support without taking over.

These choices give your teen practice in self-awareness—an essential skill for emotional well-being.

Remember your bigger vision: to raise a resilient, connected, thoughtful young adult. Nurture it like a seed. Let go of needing to be right and focus instead on building trust. Strive for a heart-to-heart connection and watch it grow.

Fern Weis | Parent + Family Recovery Coach

Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting.  In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery.  She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.

Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.