Normal is a setting on the washing machine, and even that’s open to interpretation.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as ‘normal’ and am going to challenge a few of your beliefs and assumptions today.
1. Some people have it all figured out (but not me). If I had a dollar for every time I heard that from others and thought it myself…
The only time we have it all figured out is when we are in control of everything. Since that possibility is the biggest lie ever, you can let go of belief #1. Other people are no different than you. Everybody has something that isn’t going according to plan.
You only see what they choose to share. You have no idea what’s going on behind the scenes, in their hearts and minds. And you only notice what they have that you don’t.
That’s a scarcity or lack mindset, and it doesn’t go anywhere helpful.
And remember, comparison is the thief of joy and satisfaction.
2. There is such a thing as normal.
No, there isn’t. There are standards imposed by our culture, and we buy into them.
Generally speaking, I believe that we do better with goals and structure. The problem comes when we take on someone else’s definition of what they should be.
When was the last time you questioned your beliefs about how life should be? Asked yourself instead how it could be? How it would work better for you?
Have you ever questioned your goals and dreams for your child? Do you accept that college (and maybe four years and right after high school) is the only way, in spite of evidence to the contrary?
Do you pressure your student to excel at everything? Do you? It’s not realistic or healthy. Yes, effort is a wonderful thing; however, striving to be perfect in all endeavors takes an emotional toll.
3. My kid/my family is not normal. We have too many problems to be normal.
Please toss that one right away and re-read #1.
This is what it means to be human. Life happens all around us and impacts us in ways we never could have imagined.
Ditto for having and raising children. I could never have predicted the roller coaster ride of parenting. No, those things won’t happen to us. Well, some of them did, and we survived.
Every family’s story is different, but the emotions around those experiences are pretty much the same. It’s the emotions we have in common that connect us to others.
I think it’s safe to say that ‘normal’ is what works for your family.
How do you figure out what your normal is, when you’ve been programmed with other people’s beliefs and expectations?
That’s how I help families. We look at what’s working and what’s not working. We uncover limiting beliefs that keep you from bringing out the best in you and your children; that keep you stuck trying to prevent the worst.
Remember, other people’s standards don’t take into account your preferences, needs, and desires. Their standards don’t have to be yours. Create your own.
If you’re ready to up your parenting game and bring out your child’s best, email me. Let’s do this together. fern@fernweis.com or join my private FB group HERE.
Fern Weis is a certified life coach who learned that caring and good intentions are not enough in parenting. In fact, they are often the problem! Fern supports parents of teens and young adults who are going through difficult situations, including addiction recovery. She helps parents release guilt, end enabling and confidently prepare their children to thrive through life's challenges. Her articles are featured in Thrive Global, Medium, Motherly, The Teen Mentor, and Bergen County Moms.
Learn more about coaching and classes at www.fernweis.com. And then download your free guide, "Five Powerful Steps to Get Your Teen to Talk." For information on Family Recovery programs, visit www.familyrecoverypartners.com.